Back On My Game - Sort Of
Posted by Johnny Miles at 6/1/2009 4:26 PM 
Categories: moving on after being laid-off,roadblocks of life,frustrated and confused
Tags: moving on after being laid-off roadblocks of life frustrated and confused
Categories: moving on after being laid-off,roadblocks of life,frustrated and confused
Tags: moving on after being laid-off roadblocks of life frustrated and confused
So here we are, June 1st. Nearly two weeks after coming back home from New York and I'm finally feeling like I'm back on my game. It only took getting out of my funk, retraining my brain to push away negative patterns I fell back into when I visited my family, and getting back to some structure and a schedule.
But now someone has throw sludge into my gas tank.
When I was laid off at the end of January, I was hurt. I'd been laid off once before but this second time really got to me. I had worked with the company for 8 years and had really established some deep connections with many of my fellow employees. Not to mention that they fed my desire to be close to, or in, the theatre. Sad thing is that the closest I ever got was being backstage. You see, I'm not the most focused in the world. When I've got one main thing going; especially one main thing that is time-consuming and an energy drainer, you come home and you truly don't have much time or motivation for anything else. I don't care what the motivational speakers say. You know the ones: if you really want it, you'll DO it! I buy the sentiment, but to a point. The fact of the matter is that even those people had someone backing them up, supporting them and allowing them to fall or fly.
I've enjoyed working from home these past few months. I have enjoyed the freedom and flexibility of working either round the clock, or not. I've also enjoyed mixing it up with my own things, Horndawgz, getting back to my writing, meeting new people like rawTop and learning a bit more about porn, filming, editing. I feel like I've finally found a calling. Though it's slow going and I'm pissed as hell at AEBN because they have not yet put "A Dawg & His Bone" up on our site for streaming, nor have they responded to my e-mails. However, all things considered, I'm a much happier man having moved on from the negative feelings of being laid off and calling my own shots.
What I love the most is the freedom of working for myself. Though it's challenging because I can't bank on an exact dollar amount every week, it's been keeping me on my toes and allowing me to think of new and different ways of trying to turn a buck.
Then, this afternoon, I got another call from a fellow co-worker. He's been promoted and he's looking to fill his old position. They want to bring me in for an interview but the way they're talking, it sounds like they're ready to give me the job. I just have to say yes. But how can I say yes when deep in my heart I feel that they actually did me a favor by laying me off?
And yet, I miss that steady pay check. Unemployment will be running out soon and I'm beginning to wonder.
There's a part of me that wants to say yes simply because I know it will appease my partner and make him feel more comfortable and worry less. But there's an even larger part of me that just wants to say, "Thanks, but no thanks. I'm happy with what I'm doing even if I'm not making a lot of money and starting to struggle."
And then there's that little voice inside my head, teasing me, tempting me, taunting horribly, as if to say, "Are you SURE this is what you want? (wagging my dreams in front of me) What about this over here?" (wagging a different cut of beef at me)
What sign will I be sending the universe if I take this job? That I don't trust in the process? That I don't believe in my dreams? I don't want to be a 70-year-old man or worse, be at my deathbed, and wonder what would have happened if I had stuck it out?
Goddamnit. I really fucking hate roadblocks! They make me frustrated and confused. Just when my car was tuned-up, full of gas and raring to go . . .
It's a tough call. It's always good to be making steady money, but you would be giving something up by going back. You really need to take a hard look at the finances... How profitable is porn for you? REALISTICALLY how much profit will you be making with it in 3 or 6 months? Porn is a tough business. If you honestly think you can make it work, go for it... Working for yourself is pretty great, but it's really easy to make less money working for yourself, which is the trap. Make more money and be less happy, or be happy and make less money. Sure make more money be more happy is what people want, but that's rarely how it works.
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Wow, you weren't kidding about being thrown a curveball! That's one hell of a difficult decision to make. But does it really have to be an either/or situation? Why does taking the job, with the security and stability it provides, necessarily equate to a betrayal of your dreams?
I agree with RawTop - porn can be a shaky and unpredictable profession. I'm lucky enough to be doing it full-time, but keep in mind that I also have a dozen DVD's already on the market, as well as a membership website. Plus, I'm a single guy used to living on a broke student's budget for the past ten years :)! I get the feeling your monthly living expenses add up to much more than mine.
I guess what I'm saying is that it takes time and patience to build a porn company into the kind of success that can support two people full-time. Sure, accepting the more traditional job will leave less time to devote to the porn business, but on the other hand you'll have some financial security that should allow you to invest more money in filming new scenes and helping Horndawg Productions succeed. Yes, it's a compromise, but compromise is very different than an outright betrayal or abandonment of your dreams.
I know it's not an easy decision, but I'm sure good will come from whatever choice you make! I sympathize with a fellow Libra's angst, however ;).
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