I don't know if age has something to do with my new-found ability to see patterns and connections but I know this. I finally understand what "cautiously optimistic" means. For the first time in my life I finally understand hope. I have hope that things are turning and will continue to do so. I can't really say it all started with the cruise we took last January but I have become much more aware of it since then as it was a pivotal turning point in my life.

One night, while on the ship, I remember looking up at the pitch black sky where all you could see were stars. I was having my coffee and across from me was my wonderful partner of 13, almost 14 years. I told him I was tired of the routine and mundane. I wanted adventure, excitement, the feeling that I was alive and thriving. I wanted to truly experience life and not just survive. Silently, I tossed up to the universe: I like this feeling of being untethered.

Less than a week later I, along with the entire group of people I worked with, was laid off. I didn't see the connection then. At least, not clearly. But I suspected.

Fast forward to when I silently tossed up to the universe, as before: I need cash. One of the people we met on the cruise called me and said he needed an assistant on a temporary basis. I got cash. Not a lot mind you, but then I wasn't very specific.

Fast forward to when I silently tossed up to the universe: I want to get paid for staying at home writing. It hasn't been much, but I've been continuing with my reviews, ghostblogging, and working on my gay, erotic novel. If we hadn't said yes to going on the cruise, I never would have met Treva, who inspired me to do exactly what I told the universe I wanted. Still not sure if the novel will be published. It's not yet finished. But I have hope. I am "cautiously optimistic".

Fast forward a few more months to where I silently tossed up to the universe: I want the brass ring. I want the money, the luxury to spend my time doing as little as possible, have fun doing it, and enjoying life by immersing myself into projects that are exciting and stimulating. I want all the money I need to do whatever I want, whenever I want, and the health to go along with it so I can enjoy my life and, again, thrive. Those may not have been the very words I used but it was the jist. Or is that gist?

Anyway, today, the very first of what will hopefully be many men, showed up at our door. He didn't have a brass ring but he wore a cockring. I think that counts. I'm getting closer. I'm "cautiously optimistic".

I will be taking on yet another new venture and filming content for other producers as well as continuing with our own movies. I was given the green light to proceed and recruit. I have hope this will work. I am "cautiously optimistic".

The pattern? I've asked for things I want, with no preconceived notions. With no conditions placed. And it's come to pass. True, I could have been a bit more detailed. True, I didn't think some of it would come to pass via losing my main source of income, but that's okay.

The connections? If I hadn't… If this had not happened… In other words, the power of Yes, I will…

The faith part? Believing with all my heart that something I wish for can happen, even when reason and practicality tells me it shouldn't be so.

Only time will tell but I think I see the connection between hope, faith, the universe and me.

In the meantime, if anybody out there knows of any Daddies or Boys (at 47 I think I've earned the right to call anyone in their 20s a boy!) that want to do porn, send them my way. Or if anyone out there reading this is a Daddy or a Boy (18 and over) and you want to try your … ummmmm… hand, at porn … get in touch with me.

I am putting it out there. I am silently tossing up to the universe, Daddies and Boys will come my way so I can film them. They will have fun playing together. I will have fun filming them. And I will make lots of money filming content for others. I am "cautiously optimistic".

As always, thank you for reading.